Ugly Truth About the Future of Internet Marketing!

Most people wonder what the future of Internet Marketing will hold for them & whilst in San Diego recently the strangest thing happened which took me on a journey I’ll never forget and gave me a glimpse of the IM Future…

…I presented at Ed Dale’s Awesome Coming Home Conference at the Hard Rock Hotel and then stayed on an extra week to go to Frank Kern and Trey Smith’s List Control. This was held at the same venue which was also pretty god damn awesome! I even got to hook up with’The Wolf of Wall Street’ – Jordan Belfort and his other half Anne who I’ve spoken to on the phone but never actually met.

Between the gigs there were loads of crazy parties but the craziest was on my last night at the Hard Rock Hotel…
…Following Frank’s after party I was on my way back to my room when I met an old professor in the elevator who had a time machine & invited me on a journey to the future of Internet Marketing.

Strange proposition, I know… but I was feeling frisky so gave it a whirl!

It worked! Seriously… I was able to travel to the future and am now back to report my findings with hard photographic proof of what it looks like.

Guys I warn you – THIS IS NOT PRETTY!

To be precise I was able to travel 22 years ahead to the year 2032. Don’t ask me why he chose this year but he did!
Apparently we only had one day, which I’m sure was a scarcity tactic, to get me in the confined space of the machine, but it worked a treat and I was in before he could say “Flux Capacitor”!

We blasted into the future and landed in the middle of an Internet Marketing Conference:

Year: 2032

Venue: Hard Rock Hotel – San Diego

Event: Challenge Control! (See what I did there!…)


I managed to gleen as much information as I could and gathered loads of ‘facts’ of what happened between 2010 and 2032. It’s pretty shocking I must warn you!

Here’s my report written from 2032:

Ed Dale:
Ed is still the undisputed head of the Melbourne IM Mafia and 30DC Inc is now the biggest Global IM Company. It received a hostile takeover by Steve Jobs in 2020 and there were rumours that Ed’s love for Apple made him an easy walkover. Ed settled for huge amounts of stock in Apple with a place on the board and eventually moved to Apple HQ where he now actually lives with his family. Yep he lives in the Apple HQ compound where he is said to be as happy as a pig in ….!

…He’s got uninterrupted access to all of their product line and hasn’t actually left Apple HQ in 5 years now and just sends one of his ‘iDroids’ to present so I was unable to get a picture of him.

I did get the following picture of his iDroid though:

Ed Dale’s iDroid

Frank Kern:
Frank now owns the whole of La Jolla in San Diego and was named Mayor of San Diego in 2020. That’s when the crazy parties stopped and he settled down. This lifestyle change, mixed with a few Californian ‘nips and tucks’ is the reason he has aged so well and is still the ‘Golden Balls Bombshell’ of Internet Marketing.
Here’s a picture of him in 2032:

Frank Kern

I’m sure you’ll agree – Frank’s looking pretty good seeing as he’s lived in the fast lane with the rich and famous over the last couple of decades. He’s showing some lines on his forehead and has a few spare tyres round his midriff but apart from that he’s still a head turner!
The event featured the following presentations:
- Hologram Boss by Andy Jenkins: Awesome presentation but we didn’t get to see him coz he sent his hologram instead! It was so cool watching a hologram of Andy strutting round the stage. He’s apparently still rockin the town and has aged fairly gracefully since finding God in 2018 but like I say we didn’t get to see him in the flesh and the hologram moved so quickly we couldn’t get a good pic I’m afraid.

Andy Jenkins Hologram

- HV2 Control – Frank Kern and Trey Smith: Amazing show where they wowed the audience on how to control other peoples second versions of themselves (Human Version 2) on mass! HV2 is the new advanced version of the iDroid which is still in alpha so these guys are way ahead of their time. Trey didn’t show up and just sent his HV2. He doesn’t appear in public much anymore due to his break up with Paris Hilton in 2028, which was a messy affair and left poor Trey harassed by the paparazzi, bless him! More about Paris in a bit…

- Droid ForceJohn Reese: John sent one of his droids to present and a few more as part of the stage show. It contained awesome info and was very liberating to know that you can run your business using energy free droids. He sent a live holographic message whilst island hopping in Greece before his trip to Mars. Nice!

John Reese Hologram

- Thought Streaming – John Carlton: John didn’t attend coz he wanted to demonstrate his new technique called ‘Thought Streaming’, which is basically John Streaming his thoughts into our minds whilst on the other side of the world. It was a 5 minute totally silent presentation with a 5 second pitch, but boy was it persuasive! Everyone in the room rushed the stage to buy a copy of his next product, even Stan Dahl his business partner needlessly bought one. Freaky!

- Neuro SamuraiEugene Ware: Eugene allowed his iDroid to present which gave a stunning performance of advanced Neuro Marketing techniques predicting and measuring peoples ‘thought energy’ waves. He now heads up Global Samurai Inc part of the Fortune 500.

He showed up at the event and has aged fairly well since he gave up pepsi max in 2015:

Eugene Ware

- Dan RaineUnderground Domination: Dan didn’t make an appearance. He’s lived in an underground bunker for the last 7 years and has run his global empire from there, hence the title of his presentation. Dan is apparently one of the biggest backers of Americas largest underground city: ‘Underworld’. He has bought himself a 500,000 Sq Mtr cave (with entertainment plot) on Sunless Boulevard.
The presentation was as stunning as ever and Dan shared some of his techniques and strategies on how to hack into & control other peoples droids and holograms. Sweet!

- Antique Domain Investment StrategiesKenny Goodman: Very interesting presentation on how antique domain names are now being collected by major museums and exhibitions and go for Billions. T’was nice to see that Future Kenny owns some of the worlds top domains but I had to keep totally out of view from the older me to avoid any kind of Time Paradox – which on all accounts could have had devastating consequences for the universe and beyond! James Schramko has the biggest collection of antique domains, with 10 million in total – Frickin Hoarder!

The professor got a sneak photo of me and as you can see I haven’t aged very well.

Kenny Goodman

This is mainly due to going back into the nightclub business. Leslie Rohde, Dan Thies and future me now own the biggest Virtual Nightclub (VN) chain in the world, Jason Moffatt owns the second biggest and as ever was in high spirits at the event. JMo still has no fixed abode and has been travelling now for 22 years!

Leslie couldn’t make the gig coz he doesn’t ever leave the VN space – he says he only feels safe & happy there! He sent his hologram though which did a stunning presentation on how he mastered the female algorithm, which he’s called it FSO – Female Search Optimisation.

Leslie’s physical body now lives in a cabana by the pool on the 4th floor of the Hard Rock Hotel. Apparently he sometimes opens the door for room service but we just didn’t have time to try that out!

Here’s a picture of me, Leslie & Dan Raine in Leslie’s favourite spot on the 4th floor back in 2010 before he had released FSO to the world:

Kenny, Leslie, Dan

Marty Rozmanith – Droid Direct – Marty wowed the audience with his new tool – Droid Direct which allows you to upload your Droids onto the national network in minutes rather than hours. It also allows you to upload other Droids voices and actions. Nice! Marty has aged ok but is showing quite a few lines on his forehead.

Marty Rozmanith

We missed Paul Colligan, Bill Glazer and Brendon Burchard present unfortunately. Paul’s iDroid was heard heckling at the back of the room though!

There’s a few other IM legends who have partied a little too hard since 2010 and passed their ‘sell by date’, the following pictures prove it.

Check Michelle MacPhearson just before a hot seat session:

Michelle MacPhearson

Michelle was one of the hottest chicks in Internet Marketing back in the glory days of 2010, but the years of partying with her younger Bro – Dan have proved to take their toll.

Dan married Paris Hilton in 2030 and they’ve both surprisingly settled down now and become ‘Born again Christians’!
Lynn Terry and Caro McCourtie who were also on the 2010 hot list prove that the fast lane lifestyle just doesn’t pay off. Check their pics here:

Lynn Terry

Caro McCourtie
Donal Doherty is now the sole owner of Guinness. You can see all those late nights in Dublin all over his face:

Donal Doherty


Remember Pete ‘Man Hunk’ Williams? OMG I hope you guys are ready for this…

Pete Williams
… As you can see his excessive lifestyle has totally back fired on him and when I asked him whether it was worth it, he gave me a very slow and slurred: “OH YEH BABY!” – He seemed happy enough and had no regrets.

Nez (Andrew Nesbitt) has calmed down on the Southern Comfort and has started drinking Manchester tap water. This combo has aged him fairly gracefully – see below

Nez

How could I complete a report without giving the organiser of the event a mention. Robert Somerville flew round like a blue arse fly on speed – to create an amazing event. Well his iDroid did! Here’s a pic:

GuruBob’s iDroid

GuruBob didn’t actually show up in person – he now spends his days chillin and plottin on a paradise Island near Thailand. Good on him!

Signing off now….End of 2032 Report……
So what are your thoughts on the future of Internet Marketing?
Leave your comments below and I will ask the mad professor to deliver them to the future!

Remember to Retweet, ‘Facebook Like’ and Digg – I think the world needs to know what’s round the corner…

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46 Responses to Ugly Truth About the Future of Internet Marketing!

  1. Casey says:

    Hahahahahahahahaha good one Kenny.
    I think Eugene aged the most gracefully :p

    I predict that by 2032 there will be no ‘internet marketing’. Only ‘marketing’.
    As the internet will become real life and real life as we now know it offline will cease to exist!

  2. Frans says:

    If I were you I’d stay away from the gals for a while. May be better for your health, else you may not age at all!

  3. This is hilarious..lol Andy as a hologram is perfect..lol

    Kern is going huh? Was hoping someone slowed his ass down by then lol

  4. frank says:

    Well that told me a lot…not!

  5. LOL quite a bit of improvement in some of those faces

  6. bryan says:

    I have noticed that every face has 4 frown marks the same as Ed Dale.

  7. Ron the Man says:

    What did the mad professor say about Scott Paton and Jim Morris in 2032?

  8. Really funny Kenny…. At last some clarity of what lies ahead!

  9. Algis says:

    This article is funny. In fact, no one knows how internet marketing is going to go around in 20 years. 20 years ago there was NO such term as internet marketing at all.

  10. Mark says:

    Who said internet ‘musketeers’ don’t know how to have fun if they’re away from their dungeons!!!

    Good one Kenny

  11. Kevin says:

    :) Love it! The after effects of the parties are still in your system, that’s obvious after reading this :)

    Semi seriously though … it really looks like before 2020 someone somewhere needs to JV with a ibotox manufacturer and pin point the old faces in IM :) or perhaps develop a portable keyboard sun machine for marketers :)

  12. Elon Bomani says:

    This was very good! You got my attention. I love your personality and I will now sign up for your free videos because I know there is more fun around the corner.

    This is the future of internet marketing- entertainment marketing

    Elon Bomani
    http://elonbomani.com
    http://makerealmoneyonlinekids.com

  13. Lokesh says:

    LOL, loved the post. Thanks for the information, I better start working on developing FSO before Leslie does.

  14. Trey says:

    Is Kern the mayor of “Lahoya” or La Jolla?

  15. Big EYE VEE says:

    this was bull shit, u just photoshopped some forehead wrinkles on some celebs faces and made up some half assed, dumb witt story which if you had any english sence in your body you would be able to spit a better story that that. your a grade a Gumppet and need to get laid to stop your boring ass spending 30mins to photo shop each photo then about 5 hours to write this piece of fuckin dribble youve just spurted.
    My names Terry Tibbs Thaank yaw and gad night

    • Kenny says:

      To Terry Tibbs (Aka Big Eye Vee) – No photoshop just the ‘Aging Booth’ iPhone App Sweet Pea. This is good English for me dude – you wanna see my bad ones! You’re write about getting laid though, is this your way of offering? You’re using the pick up artist way of negging me right? I know your tricks, nothing gets past me but as long as you take me for posh fish and chips and some cheap cider you could be in with a shout dude :-)

  16. Frank Kern, Mayor of La Jolla in 2032, …cool!
    Note to self: register a domain for Kern’s US Presidential Election Campaign in 2034.

  17. Tyler says:

    Just to let you know so you so don’t come across as TOO ill-informed – the name is LA JOLLA….NOT ‘Lahoya’..gimme a break!!!

  18. Marko W. says:

    By the way, if you’re going to do mini editorials on various people, at least get the correct spelling of their names correct!!

    It’s John Reese..NOT…John Reece!! Plus, don’t ever take up photography as any serious business venture, as you’ve really done all of these people a grave injustice with these pictures!

  19. zoom group says:

    what a heading for this article aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  20. zoom group says:

    what a heading for this article hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  21. Thankfully Kenny,
    The future is not quite as bleak as you present the future looks of the gorgeous ladies, especially Michelle Mac Phearson ;-)… and no doubt you will get a great many comments regarding same.
    As to your article here, ingenious and fun!
    Good on You!

    Hugs and Smiles as Always

  22. Sam123 says:

    It was a nice read from you. Keep it coming.

  23. Jay says:

    hmmm simply another plug for a ring of friends making a fortune out of those trying to make some money from IM and being fed bull crap and sold worthless ” tricks of the trade” in an order to make money out of us. the only people making money In this industry is the top dogs making money out of the small guys like us. I’m sick of internet marketing and all the scam artists associated with it.

  24. david says:

    hmmm. I actually thought this was going to be useful.

  25. Lee Little says:

    But who drives their snazzy sports car over the edge? Just don’t believe it’s an IM story without a fiery finish, sorry…

  26. Brett Burky says:

    This was excellent. Tricked me with the email. I thought it was going to be all political internet control, but this was a pleasant surprise. Love how you made everyone look older. But damn you made Michelle look terrible! She just might kick you in the junk for making her look so bad.

    Overall I loved. Very Creative

  27. Joanna says:

    As for the future, internet junkie rehabs will be big business. As for me, I can still control and enjoy my mouse.

    Great fun reading the article.

  28. Mke says:

    Oh wow I will never look at Michelle MacPhearson the same again…:tears:

  29. Adam Garcia says:

    Ok now that was funny, but you better stay away from the gals. You might not age at all do to those pics.

  30. funny article, I dont even think the world will exist in 2032 but I guess some of us shall see

  31. Hilarious, it seems like you all need to modify your insurance contracts and make sure you are still covered!
    haha that’s very funny!

    Mauri

  32. I forgot to mention the ladies looked beautiful despite its years!

    Mauri

  33. Michael says:

    haha

    I clicked on the article title off of my Alexa toolbar..

    This article is so funny! :)

    Made my day, :)

    Thanks Kenny!

  34. JJ says:

    Whoa, really scary insights! If we are all that well preserved 22 years later… exciting!
    Thanks for sharing!

  35. Rick L says:

    Memo to self: Start working on virtual anti-ageing cream for over the hill Internet Marketers.

  36. Dude. Hilarious. I thought I was gonna get some awesome SEO tips about preparing for the future. But I didn’t know I would want to go buy a bottle of age-loc aloe vera gel or something like that.

  37. Chris says:

    Self ingratiating poop.

  38. Hans says:

    Oh boy, you’re toast and I won’t be surprised if someone would like to fry your chops as well. So keep a few cold ones in the fridge to rise to the occasion. Chances are good that you are only trying out that new auto-voiceresponder, ‘hack-them-back’ and ‘spam-back’ blog script, or is it the chill-out social script.

    I am not so sure about your 22 year predictions; however the next 2 year looks very promising, especially for those exploring local opportunities and integrating offline opportunities, not to mention ‘IPv6 ready’ niches.

    BTW, why is your blog not Web 2.0 ready? You should know the new tendency is to provide website visitors with an interactive experience. Instead of simply reading pages, pointing and clicking as in the past, I wanted to see and talk to fellow visitors and to your site personnel, conversing by speaking or typing. An Internet journey is no longer an individual experience. Visitors like me want to ask and answer questions, share information and live chats with site assistants. Where is this site’s open source id capabilities, or integration with social networks, bookmarking services, visitor blogging and micro-blogging services, forum, media wiki’s, industry news feed, etc. to mention a few? No virtual ad spaces, in-text affiliate or CPA hyperlinks, and value added services are also absent?

    I am only scratching the surface here, but I am afraid you got hijacked by the after party or got into the wrong lift. However a sense of humour is essential in this business, otherwise we all would really be burned-out has-beens. So keep up the humour and join my FriendFeed, else you may just miss out on the next booze cruise. And please, next time I come around, I want to have an interactive site experience.

  39. Chris Green says:

    Self indulgent crap in an overhyped undervalue market. Sorry.

  40. Pingback: Internet Marketing - Another Vision of the Future | One Step Beyond

  41. Photoshopped pictures aside…

    Check out the real story about The Syndicate, before they chew you up and s*it you out.

    http://www.saltydroid.info

  42. Kerry Chen says:

    This is one of those very few moments I feel happy I’m not a very well known internet marketing person, at least I don’t get to be featured in a somewhat funny futuristic write up.
    Thanks Kenny, it sure was a good one.

  43. Aahh! I’m a newbie just starting out and I’m so glad I came across this post.
    I don’t want to end up looking like any of these folks, so I think I’ll quit whilst I’m ahead.
    Mind you, in 2032 I’ll be getting on a bit so p’raps I’ll be in me bath tub on some gorgeous beach somewhere…~grin~

  44. Jocelyn says:

    I really like this post Kenny. It’s funny and futuristic. You can use that as an animated movie script. Umm…why not? Continue writing and count me in (as part of the characters).LOL!

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